


Just going to

by BrokenTourniquet



Series: Of Carmilla and her Heart [1]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Post Episode 35, pre episode 36
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 10:25:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4301175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrokenTourniquet/pseuds/BrokenTourniquet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pre episode 36, post episode 35. </p><p>Carmilla dreamt of someone when she waiting to be rescued. Her body hurt. The best advice can be found in the dark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just going to

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AvatarUncanon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvatarUncanon/gifts).



> A small something that I wrote today to get my brain working.   
> Song inspiration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVq9QHwRjbc
> 
> Also dedicated to AvatarUncanon who is equally brilliant and awesome. Also a joy to talk to! HOPE YOU ENJOY!  
> Check them out here: http://avataruncanon.tumblr.com/

_Broken bones._ Even with her mind not in her body she could still feel the broken bones. If she wasn't already technically dead and awake she was sure she'd be howling and screaming in pain. Her mind was stilled. She had no use for the thought of pain anymore. She could feel herself letting go slowly. There was nothing more for her in the world. Everyone was safe, Laura was safe. She did her job. A job she didn't even want. She didn't have any other choice did she? Let the world rot in an eternal hell. She might have let that happen, but then there wouldn't be Laura. Without Laura there was no world. There was no sunset, there was no sun lighting the room around the girl making her seem like the centerpiece in her life, there was no reason to stay up and make sure she was safe, there was no world whatsoever without Laura. That she was sure of.

She was sure she could feel blood or some liquid seep from her mouth onto the hard cold ground beneath her. Her body felt hot, so hot for a minute she thought she might have actually been on fire until it stopped from a sudden burst of air hitting her. Why did she ache this much? Did she fall? Was she slammed into something? She couldn't exactly remember. She couldn't even will herself to open her eyes and move her limbs. She felt pathetic. She couldn't go yet.

The last thing she remembers the light after pulling Laura away from it. She can remember the sword- and the light- and voice..so many voices. A face! She could remember a face! She can remember a familiar face, a face that once hurt her and died. This face was that of someone she loved, probably the one person she had loved the most. No it wasn't Laura, because Laura was safe and at her dorm more than likely right? Then who was this face? Hair covered her illuminate eyes and light skin. Her posture was firm yet comforting, her arms held open for her. Elle? It was Elle? Yea. She remembered. Elle was beckoning her and telling her something.

The memory hurt. She was in a black place, so black she was almost convinced it was her soul or something dark she deserved. Everything hurt. She was sitting on the ground looking around, nothing was visible. The ground, walls, ceiling, herself, it was all just black. Like nothing had a reason for existing. She didn't even bother to move. After everything, what she became, and those she killed, she felt like this was where she belonged.

How else could you justify a place so dark? It had to be her own personal cell. No one knew it but she didn't like the dark. Despite her abilities, it still made her feel isolated and cut off from the rest of the world. Like it encased her in walls that told her to stay still and give into it. It just felt wrong to her. She had learned to preoccupy herself from those thoughts over the years upon years. Now she couldn't help but rethink them again. The dark was cruel in thinking you were truly alone and isolated from everything you held dear, there was no time limit on the dark. You had to brave it out, succumb to it, or find the light rather some source of light. She would usually find some source of human activity but now? There was nothing. Just nothing.

It scared her to think of the possibilities. She could be dead, Laura could be dead. Any number of things could have happened whilst she fell and hit the ground she laid on. Maybe she was just looking for something to worry about. Maybe she was far from the truth and everything was okay. Yea, everything had to be okay. She didn't let herself believe anything else- why the hell couldn't she open her eyes? Why was it so damn difficult? She was already dead! It should be so easy just to open them, to crawl out of the pit she felt she was in, to walk out of here and see for herself if it was all okay.

A light lit up in her view. She was dream, she could tell because for a moment it danced before it stilled beckoning her to stand up and come to it. So she did. At least when she was dreaming she could stand up even if it was sloppy and exhaust filled. She stood up and walked. She nearly fell face first but steadied herself by placing her palms on the ground and tried again. This time she managed to find a rhythm even if she was holding her side and letting her arm dangle by her side, she slouched forward finding it difficult to walk any other way. She grunted in pain but continued.

Slowly but surely the light came closer bringing a sense of warmth and comfort to her. It trickled into her body at first like light rain hitting her skin. It was the kind of warmth you'd find by a fireplace wrapped in a blanket with a cup of warm beverage in your hands a smile slowly forming on your face as you realize the quiet world was peaceful giving you a sense of calm. The light became more and more blinding the closer she came to it. It hurt her eyes so she shielded them from the dangerous light that seemed to be a very very light nearly white orange.

When she stopped in her tracks covering her eyes from it completely she could hear light humming. The light slowly became less and less blinding like the sun, to reveal someone sitting on a couch humming to themselves. The couch itself was looked like it was something out of the victorian era. She had owned a few like it. It was plush. It looked comfortable. The person on the couch was far too familiar for her to remember. It itched at the back of her mind to remember who it was, and it was on the tip of her tongue. The person turned her head with a small sad smile and her heart froze. As the woman stood up and made her way around the couch the light began to seep through the dark covering it in the light. Like it had overtaken it and lit the whole world up. At least what she was dreaming up. It took over the dark in web and vein like designs before it was all that there was.

The woman stood there, hand behind her back smiling at Carmilla waiting. Without a second thought Carmilla rushed forward entrapping her in her arms and lifting her off her feet in a tight embrace causing the woman to laugh. Carmilla was almost afraid to put her down and address her, afraid of what she still thought of her.

"Ell?" She asked as she pulled back enough just to look at her face. It had been so long since she saw that face she could feel the tears start to form as the woman nodded at her. "I'm so sorr-"

"Hey," She interrupted brushing bangs out of Carmilla's eyes. "None of that my darling. Alright?" Carmilla only nodded and pulled her close kissing her cheek a few times muttering apologies in other languages making Ell sigh. "It is I who should apologize." She admitted. Carmilla studied her face.

"No, you found out what I was. A monster." She could still feel the hurt within her body when she heard the words.

"Perhaps," She gained Carmilla's attention again. "But even monsters have a complex existence." Ell did think she was monster at the time she found out what Carmilla was but she didn't realize how complicated it was. How much she had changed and grew within the time of falling for her. Now if she was honest she regretted not giving it or her more thought. "But,"

"But?" An eyebrow rose.

"You can't stay here." Carmilla looked disappointed. "You have more things to attend to and I am afraid the longer you stay here the more it will take for you to get back to her."

"Her?"

"Laura." Oh. "I have seen you and the way you are with her." Carmilla stepped back out of her arms and prepared for the lashback. Ell only warmly squeezed her arm giving her a sympathetic look before continuing. "That is not what I meant. I have seen the glances, the words unspoken, the thoughts, the things you've been unable to say, and I have seen the reason for what you did. Why you tried to stop it all. Please look at me." Carmilla did as Ell took her chin inbetween her fingers and turned her head to look at her. "I am proud. I am proud you have finally found a reason to truly fight. There is no greater victory than finding that kind of reason."

"I- you don't think I'm a monster? If you've seen that then you've seen the people I've killed." More than she could count. Many faces flashed in front of her reminding her of the work she'd done on the world. The families who had lost because of her.

"I did not say what you've done in the past isn't monstrous." She took Carmilla's face in her hand smiling gently. "You have been changing for a long time coming I think, she has just sped it up, given you greater reason to change. No one can change in a day it is a long process but I can see the impact she has had on you and within your heart. So you can't stay here."

But now she wanted to. She wanted to stay with Ell atleast a little longer, she wanted to hold her and ask her so much. She wanted to tell her and explain to her so much that she never had the chance to before. Now she was standing before her and felt so real, she looked so real! She just needed a few minutes longer she wanted to tell her everything. She wanted to kiss her again. She wanted so much it felt unreal suddenly that this chance had arisen and she was now able to grasp it and her in her palms so clearly.

"But I-" Ell shook her head and her smile turned sad.

"I'm afraid you can't. She needs you. They all need you. You need her. You cannot stay here forever like you would wish, I know it may seem cruel. When you look at her again you'll know of the things you've done and know how worth it it is."

"How do you know that?" Now it did seem unreal. It hurt.

"Would it have been worth a steak to the heart trying to save me if you could?" Carmilla nodded and she placed a kiss to her forehead before pulling back. "Then you have your answer. Your heart is stronger than you think."

Carmilla couldn't find anything else to say to that. She wasn't sure strong was the correct word, dumb perhaps but strong? How strong could it have been for getting Laura involved in this mess? How could it have been strong for getting Ell herself killed? It was weak and useless. It wasn't worth the pain or attempts of another person. Was it?

"Your heart is no longer mine," Ell told her as she stepped back slowly being covered in a new blinding light again. "Be truthful, be honest, and be hers Carmilla." Just like that she was gone.

As the light disappeared it dragged the previous light with it leaving her in the dark. She panicked, afraid and tried to bolt for the light as it faded. She called her name asking her to wait begging her to give her just a few more minutes. But it was over and the light was gone as she fell to the ground on her hands and knees cursing herself for not being fast enough. She was never enough for the entire damn universe. Then she ground disappeared and she was falling fast. The wind was cool against her body but grew hot as she closed her eyes finally letting go and letting whatever the hell this world was due it's thing. When she hit a surface she could feel all her previous pain return within a second making her groan outwardly. She wasn't sure if she physically did it or if it was still all in her head.

Bang. Was that...a firework? She could hear it. Then another and another went off. She wanted to yell and tell whomever it was she was there. But the bangs stopped and she heard rushed talking above her. Arguing more like before she heard someone run off and another talking to her trying to get her to move or talk. She couldn't. The damned moron. She could barely understand what they were saying as their voice became muffled then clear over and over again.

She could hear someone yelling her name and trying to scale down the pit's rocky surface. _Careful or you'll throw a boulder on us both,_ she told them silently as she heard the smaller rocks tumbling and falling. A few hit her but would do no damage as they weren't big enough to do any real damage. Whoever they were was skilled enough to carefully pick her up with the limited area they had and hoist her over their shoulder. The way back up wasn't any more pleasant. When they were out of the pit and she was placed on the ground she head the familiar tone of certain redhead calling her a stupid vampire she wished she could kill herself. She was lifted into strong arms and faded out.

When she came back she could hear voices around her talking about blood and her seeming dead even being heavier then she looks. It hurt her head to try and listen to but as soon as the familiar taste of blood hit her lips her body instinctively opened her mouth and took in as much as it could before the source of blood was taken away. She felt it do it's job instantly and her body awoke to healing sensation reach every crevice of her body. She sat up and felt exhaustion, sore bones, irritated skin, and she felt awake. She was actually awake.

"Well...that was a kick." She said to no one in particular. She felt a body crash against her holding her tight. Her first instinct was to yank them off and possibly throttle them but she didn't have it in her at the moment to do so, so she laid a hand on their elbow and waited for them to back off before she atleast lectured them about people who just came back to life...again and being sore. Then she saw who it was and no longer cared. Ell was right..everything had been worth it just by looking at her face and recognizing she was alive and okay.

"Hey." Laura said with a small shake of her head.

"Hey." She expected the lashback and brash comments to come hurling at her. The last thing Laura told her was that they were done. Over.

"Are you hurt?" She looked up. Laura was concerned. "It looks like maybe you're hurt and I'm sorry I hugged you so hard you're hurt it-it's just that you were dead and-" Carmilla stood. Laura wasn't angry. She was concerned. She cared. "And you're not and I know that you're probably going through-" Laura paused as Carmilla's eyes latched onto hers with something strong she hadn't seen before in her eyes. It took her breath away. "Through a lot of stuff with your mom it's just that..."

She only stared into her eyes for a moment longer before giving into the temptation and placing her hands on Laura's cheeks kissing her tentatively. Laura was definitely real and she wasn't dreaming anymore. No dream or persuasion could have told her the taste of Laura's lips wasn't real. They were. They were both very real and very much standing in front of each other.

"And I know you didn't do everything for me I just..." Carmilla smiled at the familiar rambling before pulling her into another kiss. Laura squealed as Carmilla kissed her again and placed her hands on her hips. What surprised Carmilla was when Laura's hand entangled in her hair and pulled _her_ into a kiss. She didn't complain, it was something she hadn't expected. The taste of her lips only deepened with each kiss. "Wow." _Yeah definitely,_ Carmilla thought. "So you're a giant black cat huh?"

Carmilla let her hands falls as she tried to hold in the laugh at the statement. _Of all the things,_ she nodded throwing a hand up and smiling at her as Laura herself laughed. Yeah this was definitely real. Only Laura, the real Laura could do that. She loved it. It was worth it.


End file.
